September 23, 2014

FINDING MY WAY BACK TO JOY.



It's me, Bette. You remember...maker of unkept promises.


Update this blog on a regular basis, send out christmas cards, workout daily and not drink sodas for a year, shower more than twice a week, etc, etc.


Now you remember, don't ya?


I have no excuses for the majority of those failed promises, though I think we can agree, my laziness, procrastination and lack of willpower skills are fully honed. Twenty-eight years in the making there. Be impressed.


As for the status of this poor, neglected family blog, I didn't write here or post any photos because my heart just wasn't in it at all. I always want to be honest here and I wasn't ready to be quite that vulnerable.


I'm not one to overdramatize things(my husband will be giving the the "oh really?" raised eyebrow look when he reads that), but the last two years have been pretty darn rough on this family of ours. I may share some of our experiences in further posts, if I feel the desire to do so. For now, suffice to say that ultimately, I let our circumstances dictate the presence of joy in my life. I chose to give in to the enemy's lies of failure and doubt. By the time I realized what had happened, it felt like I was already drowning and there was no chance for rescue.


Silly me, right?


My Jesus walked on water and He calmed the storm and he made provisions when the seas appeared empty.


Somewhere along the way I lost sight of Him. Like I couldn't quite stay above the waves long enough before the next blow came. Where was He? Couldn't He hear my cries?


But, silly me indeed. While I was busy doubting, I hadn't noticed that He had been holding me all along. I had been resting in the arms of the One I felt had forgotten about me and left me to fight alone. Holing my hand while I was treading in the waters of His love. In the breaks between the waves, resting in the stillness of His sustaining grace. Even joy that had become so elusive, had been waiting for me at the shore. I needed only to trust and swim towards it.


Here's the thing I've learned about promises. Sometimes they don't quite hold up. Sometimes we quit them. Sometimes they fail us. Sometimes they just leave us wanting. Joyless, broken, empty.


It is likely the waves will continue to come.


But, have peace, be still. 


God is a keeper of promises that are greater. Promises that never fail. Promises of a love without fear or condemnation. Promises of a grace that is enough. Promises of plans for our lives to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.


Surely, this is not new to most of us, but for me these promises have come alive this year like never before. My heart has been truly awakened from it's slumber and joy unspeakable has flooded through my soul. Fierce love is vanquishing my doubts and my faith has been set ablaze. 


In my desperation, God has made Himself known to me and I am learning to trust Him with my everything.


He is faithful. Always. Without fail. He never leaves us. We can let go.


I've had to let go of a lot this year. Expectations, guilt, fear, failure, doubts. It wasn't and still isn't always easy, but He carries me. He's replaced those things with love, grace, mercy and even joy. 


And oh what joy there has been...



little brother got engaged to a pretty fantastic gal!
#anniemarriesry
another brother pops the question!
#kyandmaetietheknot


JOY. 
FOUND HIM. 
FOUND IT.

-bette
















1 comment:

  1. Well said, my lovely! You are such a beautiful person.

    ReplyDelete